Your grandmother, great grandmother and maybe even your mother grew up and raised families using food saving techniques which are practically obsolete these days. Creative ways of cooking and saving food were a necessity as food supplies were affected by war or recessions, and getting fresh food was difficult.

Below we have a few tips and recipes for prolonging the use of food, which don’t compromise on taste and still deliver wholesome filling food like your granny would make.

To use up fruit which has lost its visual appeal from being in the school bag a few too many times, or in the fruit bowl for too long:

Wash, chop up and place fruit (bananas, apples, pears, oranges, anything…) in a shallow casserole dish with a small amount of water. Bake for about 10 minutes until soft. Mix softened butter, sugar and the dregs of cereal (weetbix, cornflakes, oatmeal, muesli etc) together and sprinkle on top. Bake for another 10 or 15 minutes until the topping it golden. Just like Nana would make.

Tips:

• Add raisins to the fruit and cinnamon or nutmeg to the topping if you have them.
• Collect the dregs of cereal: rolled oats, muesli, weetbix, cornflakes etc and store them in an air tight container for this purpose.
• Eat for dessert with icecream or save for breakfast with yogurt.

To use up stale bread:

You can’t go past bread and butter pudding, simply layer the bread across the bottom of a shallow casserole dish, sprinkle with sultanas or banana pieces or any other fruit you have handy, and sugar and cinnamon. Repeat until ingredients are gone or dish is fill, then in a separate bowl beat four eggs and a cup and a half of milk, and pour over bread. Sprinkle with cinnamon and let stand for half an hour, then bake at 160 degrees until the “custard” created by the eggs and milk, has set and the pudding is golden brown on top (about 40 minutes).

Tips:

• If you want to be really healthy you can use wholemeal bread and trim milk.
• Try to totally cover any fruit with bread to protect it from over-cooking and going hard.

Extra food and money saving tips:

• Utilise what is in season, fruit and vegetables last longer as they have shorter distances to travel to your plate and are usually cheaper.
• Beg, steal or borrow fruit off trees which aren’t being used. You’d be surprised the amount of perfectly tasty, free produce in the backyards of most homes. Keep your eyes out and ask if you can relieve home owners of their extra fruit.

My friends and fellow fornicators, I am back in the saddle riding my conquests like the Stallion I am. Alas I did not last in Tanzania, Dusty did not take kindly to my appreciation of other women and left me while I was servicing a fine young specimen I met in the local dairy.

So here I am, back where I began. I thought it would be handy for all the blossoming Dicks out there to hear where I came from and how I became the sexual god I am today. Since this issue is themed around winter, the timing couldn’t be more perfect. Let me expand…

When I was still a small hairless agronomy, my adoptive parents took me on a winter vacation to the French Alps. I had never experienced anything close to the ecstasy I felt when I slid my skis down the slope of those huge beautiful mountains, carving my poles into the soft snow, the freedom of the slippery slopes fuelling my lust for the activity. Sadly I got so heat up I lost all sense of myself and ended crashing into a tree, my throbbing head swollen to twice its usual size.

Passed out cold, my memories of the next few days begin in a haze with me feeding from a large hairy being with womanly curves. Slowly the creature nurtured me back to life, I fed for 69 days off her breast milk and sweet moisture, growing stronger each day. I began to grow and sprout hair in places I never expected, transforming from boy to man through the fluid of a good woman. On the 70th day I had to escape as the beast wanted to keep me as her concubine, by this time I was able to make her orgasm, simply by looking at her. This was causing all sorts of problems, as her orgasms were creating avalanches, killing villagers and skiers on average 30 times a minute, 24 hours a day. I was at my peak. I needed out. The only way was to blind my lover with my romance explosion which I could (and still can) shoot faster than the speed of light. It blasted into her eyes, dripping heavily down her face and into her mouth, which was open in rage. She roared and keened loudly as she saw me making my hasty escape.

I left that rocky love nest with watery eyes and a hungering manhood. I was a new man, ready to take on the world. One naughty woman after another…although I made a vow to myself to keep away from the excessively hairy ones.

And that my friends, is how I got to where I am today. Dick Hardy, Lover Extraordinaire. Here for your servicing.

1) Make love and listen to the music.
2) Start a group.
3) Convert your flat to power generators and generate power through bicycles.
4) Round up all the Albany geese, tie them together and migrate north for the winter.
5) Ask Paul, how are we supposed to know?
6) Clean your clothes. Interestingly enough, clean clothes are warmer than dirty clothes. This is because insulation is only effective when heat is trapped by dead air spaces, and dirt, grime and perspiration mat down those air spaces and reduce the warmth of a garment. So keep your insulating layers clean and you will be warmer.
7) Make a cocoon out of cotton wool and hibernate for the winter.
Buy a sleeping bag which has a zip at the bottom and wear it everywhere.
9) Drink warm liquids. We recommend having an Irish coffee: coffee + whiskey in equal parts and you will also get a free booze jacket on.
10) Buy a herd of cats and sprinkle yourself with Whiskers. Sit on the couch and enjoy the warmth.
11) Grow some body hair. All over is best for maximum warmth.
12) Steal warmth. How? Hugs. Embrace as many people as possible, as often as possible, for as long as possible.
13) Convert your living room into a fort by turning the couches and chairs upside down (you might score some extra cash from this as well), lining the floor with mattresses and using all the blankets you have as the roof. Add people and make it a cosy party. Just don’t get to cosy or you won’t know who the father is.
14) Take your clothes off. Avoid overheating, as sweat will dampen your clothing and cause you to chill later on.
15) Hold a library hostage. That’s right you heard me. A virtually endless supply of books to fuel your bonfire. Why wouldn’t you?
16) Stop being such a skank. Wear many loose layers to keep warm, as warm air will be trapped between the layers keeping you warmer than if your layers are tight. This will also mean you can easily add or remove layers avoiding overheating (see #14).
17) Get stuffed. Add scrunched up bits of newspaper between your layers and you will be extra toasty.
18) Have a power cut. The small Dutch community of Maasdriel recorded a 44% rise in baby births nine months after a two-day power cut. Obviously only one way to keep warm then ahe?
19) Buy a hat. A large percentage of your body heat is lost through your head, so it is critical to keep it covered when trying to keep warm.
20) Buy pyjamas with feet or wear tights to bed. Guys, don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.

NOTICES:

Write an article for Satellite and if we publish it you will be eligible to win one of five $10 Westfield vouchers each issue. That’s right, contribute regularly and you could have a stash of cash in exchange for your hard work.

A few conditions apply, namely, the Editor’s decision is final in regards to the articles printed, so quality is essential. No discussion will be entered into, but if requested, tips and hints for improvement will be given. The prize will be drawn at random, and can be for contributions of articles, columns, letters to the Editor or reviews. The writer must be a student of Massey University Albany and there is a maximum of one voucher per student per issue. And this is all subject to change if this doesn’t work and blows up in our faces.

Read more »

Available this issue to all Massey Albany Students:

ONE 155cm Candleman snowboard and ONE double night pass to Snowplanet: Simply enter and compete in the Amazing Race to be in the draw.

ONE double pass to the Tiki Tane gig, Wednesday the 21^st of July: (Drawn Friday16th July, CODE: TIKI).

TWO double night passes to Snowplanet (CODE: Snowplanet)

TEN ultimate lunches from Dominos (a new Oven Baked Sandwich and a 420mL drink). For those of you not lucky enough to win, Domino’s Oven Baked Sandwiches are only $6.90 each or two for $13.00 for students and staff of Massey (must show ID) for a limited time and come in five varieties: Meatball; Sweet Chilli Chicken; Chicken Delight; Tomato, Spinach and Bacon; and Italian. (CODE: YUM YUM, and your guess of what the opposite picture is).

SEVEN free student cards valid till the end of the year (CODE: STUDENTCARD).

PLUS: The first 35 entries into any prize draw will also receive a free KFC Krusher (one per person).

TO ENTER: Email satellite@asa.ac.nz with the code in the subject line

Read more »