Analiese Jackson

I went to high school in right in the heart of Brisbane, Queensland which, for those of you playing at home, is in the North East of Australia. Queensland (which likes to think of itself as “the smart state”) is really only known for a few things: theme parks; the birthplace of now-deceased croc hunter Steve Irwin; plenty of amazing beaches and for hosting the biggest annual Schoolies event on the Gold Coast.

Schoolies, for all intents and purposes, is a week where Year 12 students (that’s seventh formers or Year 13s to you lot) are, theoretically speaking,  magically transformed from studious high school students to the young adults that they wish to emulate in the future. First believed to have occurred in the 70s, Schoolies basically begins the day that you complete your last day of school, when hoards of high school students head toward Surfers Paradise, crammed into cars, trains and buses, with the one goal of blowing all their money on having the ultimate good time. There’s music, there’s non stop beach parties and, of course, there’s trouble, usually in the form of ‘Toolies’, or old men who come to prey on drunk and vulnerable underage drinkers.

All through Year 12, students around Australia spend their hours at school colluding about what they’ll do during their week of freedom. Some plan silly, harmless things like running into the ocean with all their clothes on, whilst others decide to indulge in the slightly more risqué activities on offer, like getting drunk, trying drugs or getting laid. The vast majority of girls in my year group headed off to a beach of some description in order to spend their week in a place other than Brisbane. In short, Schoolies week is essentially a symbol of resistance to authority and a way in which students can really justify behaving in a way to which they are not accustomed to. And that is exactly where the trouble starts…

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At university, there are certain services, like Satellite magazine, that are bought to you by your students’ association. The Albany Students’ Association, your student union, funds a whole heap of cool stuff like Orientation and the ball as well as some more serious services like advocacy and environmentally friendly car-pooling. However, these services are currently under threat, with some legislation in the works that would effectively wipe all funding from these services.

Each issue, Satellite Magazine will be exploring the various issues surrounding the Voluntary Student Membership debate. This issue, Analiese Jackson sat down with Leader of the Labour Party, the Honourable Phil Goff who, by his own confession, “talks far too much”, to discuss his fond memories of  university life as well as the Voluntary Student Membership debate.

You’ve been the leader of the opposition for just over a year now. How are you finding that role?

Being the Leader of the Opposition has been a real privilege. It’s a step change, when you become Leader of the Party. I thought as a cabinet minister that I had a pretty heavy workload, when I was Minister of Foreign Affairs and Justice for example, and then later, a whole series of portfolios; Trade, Defence, Corrections and Disarmament and Arms control, I was working an 80 hour week and I thought: “well, that pretty heavy”. Now I’m probably doing a 95 hour week.

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Analiese Jackson discovers that kitchens aren’t just for decoration.

I’ve never been a natural in the kitchen. Until recently, my cooking repertoire only extended as far as making Maggi Two Minute Noodles and my baking skills were literally zilch. This, I thought to myself, was rather embarrassing, considering the fact I’d been living on my own for the past three years. I had to make a change. It was time to learn to bake.

This is why I found myself, one Monday morning, standing in the middle of New Zealand’s Hottest Baker contestant Grayson Coutts’ meticulous kitchen, amidst a selection of flours and fine chocolates. The aim? To talk about Grayson’s newfound fame whilst also making something both delicious and easy enough for me to be able to replicate at home.

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A handy guide compiled for you by Analiese Jackson

Ahh, lectures. The two to three hours where you pay for someone to talk at you while you feel little parts of your soul slowly dying. They’re also reasonably important to attend and will help you pass your papers and, at $500 a pop, you really want to pass these the first time round.

However, University is all about learning life skills. One of the major things you need to learn very early on in your degree is that there’s an art to selecting where abouts in the lecture theatre you are going to position yourself. This is a crucial decision that MUST be made in the first lecture because chances are that, one they’ve secured the best seats, your cohort are highly unlikely to change seats over the duration of the semester. In order to help you pick the best seat for you, I’ve supplied you with a few helpful tips in successful seat acquisition:

Don’t sit in the back row if you’re not hung-over, late or in need of a nap: These seats are usually frequented by those students who are either consistently late to lecturers or are too hung-over from the previous night to be able to handle the light coming from the PowerPoint Projector. You need to be considerate of these people, because one day it could be you.

Don’t sit in the front row unless you are a mature student or a teachers pet: The first few rows are reserved for overzealous students. If you’re unable to get any other seat, be careful as there’s a serious chance that you could get an eye poked out by the sheer velocity of nerdy students hand shooting up to answer a question (“OOOOooooo I know! I Know!  Really, I KNOW!! PICK MEEEEEEE!! PLEASE, VALIDATE MY EXISTENCE!!!”). This is a terrible OSH risk and should really be looked into by the University

Don’t sit in the middle, unless you want your lecturer to acknowledge you: This is within direct eye line of your lecturer, so if you want to pick up Satellite and have a quick read during class, you will either have to do it super stealthily or not at all. We recommend hiding it in course guides or over-sized novelty ring-binders (you can probably borrow one from someone down the front. Just be careful not to ruin their colour coded notes).

If you’re in a lecture theatre like AT2 or SC2, don’t sit on the sides:  otherwise, you will constantly have people mumbling “Excuse me” at you throughout your lecture. Inevitably, the person next to you will have some sort of bladder problem and, like being on an aeroplane, they will have to climb over your lap to get to the bathrooms. Unless you enjoy being climbed over and enjoy copious amounts of physical contact from strangers.

Exemption: During a test or exam, the side seat is perfect so that you can run away early. ALWAYS get the side seat during this time; otherwise if you finish early, you’re stuck in the middle until the guy who writes reeeeeaaaallly slooooooowllly decides to finish right on the bell.

The ideal seat for sitting in during your lecture is somewhat in the middle, off to one side of the lecturer so that you’re out of his or her eye line, but not on the very end of the row so that you’ll be climbed over for three hours straight.

Good luck!

…or advice you wished your Mum gave you.

By Analiese Jackson

Have some self respect and put some clothes on.

For centuries, gaggles of first year girls fresh out of high school have equated beginning their degree with being able to put their shortest, tightest clothing on display all year round. As much as I appreciate the fact that summer is hot and that some people may want to combine studying with tanning, I really don’t want to see you wearing a skirt that could also double as a belt teamed with an itsy bitsy tank top that barely conceals your cleavage.

Having said that, during the warmer weeks I also feel sorry for any lecturer who has to look upward while lecturing only to find that the girls in the front row haven’t learnt to fold or close their legs yet. I hate to break it to you, but there’s nothing obscuring the view from the front, ladies. Anyone can see from their position at the lectern that you’re wearing Farmers undies with cutesy kittens on them, undoubtedly emblazoned with “I heart pussy” or something equally ‘endearing’. Seriously, girls, leave the Supre mini-skirts (have you seen those things? They’re practically belts, anyway!) for the beach or the club.

If you are going to have a few drinks and head out to the O week parties, make sure you wear sensible clothes in order to avoid nipple slips and flashing your undies. Try wearing jeans instead of a short skirt, or employ the services of ‘jeggings’, leggings or tights under shorter dresses. Just employ the services of anything that spares me from seeing your ladyparts.

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