Now I am not your average student, I am the one that will happily put my hand up to be the designated driver, but of course that comes with the price of having to deal with incoherently drunk students who think they are making sense when all I can really understand of them is “HEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYY I *burp* YOU FR *burp* OMPU CLA…” Yes this actually happened and I did not know the person or understand them, but good on them for trying to make a friend.

On a more serious note, I know that university and O-week celebrations are about letting loose and enjoying yourself, but do you know when enough is enough to drink, or are you the type of person that drinks until they can’t stand/talk/stay awake/hold bodily fluids?

With student drinking I automatically get reminded of the new “How You’re Drinking” adverts that are telling people to leave their “friends” at home: “Shouty Sam, Hit on everyone’s Misses Sam, almost get arrested Sam”, I guess this is the same for students and public that were at this event at the Ferg.

There were four main types of students that I could see at this event.

Sober Student: These guys are the good ones that actually put their friends ahead of their own festivities to make sure that the binge drinkers have a safe way to and from the event. They usually have to deal with drunken antics such as the 50k chunder, and the “bro let’s stop for a pie”. If you have a friend that ever has chosen to be the sober driver, then give them something more than a night to remember, try gas money or some energy drinks that would go down well.

Stumbling/Comatose Student: These students are the ones that are going for the ultimate drunkenness record. They have managed to drink their way through enough RTD’s to cause their balance to go off canter. This student is the one that face plants the floor when they are trying to move through the crowd. Most often a female wearing heels, Stumbling Student shows no skill in being able to stay off the floor. Usually Stumbling Student ends up becoming Comatose Student. Try moving dead weight from the bar to your car, very hard.

Aggressive Student: The same as an aggressive drunk, this student will most likely be seen giving someone from across the room the evil glare of death.If said person across the room makes eye contact and does it wrong, aggressive student will take it as a challenge and then “SCRAP’S ON!” This is usually followed by Aggressive Student being escorted to the curb by the bouncers/security guards on duty. Aggressive Student is usually no fun to be around, because the whole night they are trying to pick a fight with any animate object that has two legs and walks, or even trees depending on the substance of the night.

Emotional Student: Just the same as aggressive student, Emotional Student lets their feelings get the better of them, but this is usually through tears and whining about “how shit my life is, nothing is going right”. Same as Stumbling/Comatose Student and Aggressive Student, Emotional Student is a buzz kill for most nights out, as it is spent trying to comfort them through their weekly alcohol induced life crisis.

It’s not drinking that is the problem, the problem is mates not having the guts to say something to the drunken students/friends to help them. If you read this and yourself or one of your mates sound like one of the student types (excluding sober student) then have a word to them, or reflect on your own habits and see how you can change. Mates look after mates, and a real mate will do whatever they can to help a mate.

It’s not the drinking Massey, it’s how we are drinking. So leave your Aggressive Student, Stumbling/Comatose Student and Emotional Student mates at home and just come out to have a couple of quiets with mates and have a good time.

Thanks
Your mate.

Modern roller derby’s roots are in Austin, Texas, when in 2001 a group of ladies formed the Texas Roller Derby, and began redefining the sport, attracting women who face thrills and spills head on, wear (and need!) mouth guards, kneepads, elbowpads, and for a small amount of time each week take on an alter ego usually quite unlike that of their normal everyday personality.

Roller derby is sports entertainment at its best, and watching a bout is a thing to behold. I have been to a few bouts and was always impressed by the organisation and dedication that goes into bringing it to life. I’m always in awe of the spectacle that unfolds in front of my eyes, unable to comprehend how I could ever be so fearless. A few weeks ago I talked to Spar Kill (Fliss) about all things roller derby, to learn more about the attraction a sport which leaves you bruised, maimed, broken and empowered.

Spar Kill is one of the OG members of the first New Zealand all-girl roller derby squad “The Pirate City Rollers”. Set up in 2006 by American Dale Rio, the Pirate City Rollers have since been joined by the Northland Nightmares, HELLmilton Roller Ghouls (Hamilton), Mountain City (New Plymouth), Richter City Roller Derby (Wellington) and Dead End Derby (Christchurch), roller derby is now a thriving sports sub-culture in most New Zealand cities.
For Spar Kill and most of her team mates, roller derby is a not a hobby but a lifestyle. The girls run the league as a well oiled machine, making the most of the skills of its members. Spar Kill reckons there are dozens of different committees, dedicated to things like promotions, marketing, design, bouts, fresh meat days… pretty much anything that needs to be organized is organized by the squad. This, plus four trainings a week, mean that the dedication needed to be a roller derby girl is extreme, and it is well acknowledged internally that the partners of the players are often referred to as “Derby Widows”.
So where is the attraction? Spar Kill says she loves the culture amongst women created by the sport. She admits that before roller derby she never had many girl friends, but roller derby seems to attract the types of women which she identifies with. She also explains that when she takes on her roller derby alias and joins her team on the rink, all body image issues and societal rules are thrown out the window. Big hips and well-padded arses are things of envy or pride, with the ability to send other girls flying around the rink. Outfits you’d never get away with in real life are barely even glanced at, Sparky loves nothing more than wearing her sparkly hotpants with a singlet and some funky coloured fish nets to training, the only time she flitters eyebrows is on the way to training.
Roller derby brings together blue collar workers by day, girl bashers by night, in a competition to score as many points as possible against the other team. Five players from each team are on the track at once, four blockers (who make a pack) and one jammer. The jammer is the only player who can score points by lapping the players in the opposition’s pack. The pack of blockers then do their best to help their jammer through, and stop the other team’s jammer from getting through by using shoulder barges, hip checks and booty blocks to do this.
The sport is terrific to watch and more like a spectacle than a game. Costumed beer wenches sell beer in the stands, the players wear their favourite costumes, which usually include face paint, the crowd holds its breath when one chick gets bounced and hits the ground or the sides of the rink, and applauds when she gets up and skates on. There is definitely no “normal” roller derby girl, they can be aged from 18 to 40, big, tall, short, small; all shapes and sizes have their advantages on the rink.
Speaking of which, if you’d like to see roller derby in action, make sure you head along to the bout between Mascara Massacre and Dead Reckoning on the 21st of August, check out the poster on this page for more details. If you think you are brave enough to give roller derby a go, head along to a Fresh Meat Day: every Sunday at the Papatoetoe Skate Rink, Wallace Road from 4-5.30pm. The league provides everything you need free of charge, so you really have no excuse not to go along (BYO hotpants though).

For more information about roller derby or Fresh Meat Days, visit www.piratecityrollers.com

Roller Derby Terms:
Fresh Meat = new girls being inducted into roller derby, have to pass a basic skills test before becoming officially marinated.
Bout = A game of roller derby, typically 30 minutes each half.
Alias = The alter ego name used in roller derby circles. Some of the names of the Auckland league are Spar Kill, Scheisse Minnelli, Witch Slap and Enemy Bronte. Often girls don’t know the real names of people on their team, as the alias is the only name used.
International Roller Girls Roller Master = The list of all roller derby alter egos in the world. All names have to be unique and registered on the roll to be eligible to play in bouts.

Vice-Chancellor answers student questions (Kinda. But not really.)

By Tabitha Dewe

Vice-Chancellor Steve Maharey hosted an on-line student forum last week to answer questions that made him look good and weren’t too curly about all aspects of the University, including fees, enrolment policies and the impact of changes to Government funding, but not about how the university is rolling over and taking it like a bitch from a government more concerned with short term financial gain, rather than the future education of our nation.

It is the second year he and senior staff members have met with students to get their feedback and address their concerns. By “their” they are referring to themselves, as student feedback is not really that highly regarded, and any concerns they have…well… just shut up and pay.
Mr Maharey outlined the University’s Road to 2020 and One University strategies that focus on the University’s strengths and aim to develop cohesive, centralised services of a high quality for international students because we all know they pay best.

In explaining the Government’s changes to funding and fees, he said they do not allow for real growth, (no shit Sherlock) and outlined a range of principles around the University’s fee-setting rationale, i.e rationalising why they will increase year on year, enabling a unique and transparent (buzz word of the year in business circles, just saying it means nothing btw) process that considers student affordability (when has this ever been true?), is consistent with government policy and is part of an annual consultation with student associations (which may soon cease to exist, then MWAH HA HA ha hA! We can do what we like).

Mr Maharey was asked about the University’s response to Tertiary Education Minister Steven Joyce’s suggestion that funding should be linked to job outcomes. He said universities will be required to spend more time on careers advice and on considering outcomes for their graduates, but that he did not interpret Mr Joyce’s comments as requiring universities to teach toward specific jobs. That would be the aim of a polytechnic or specialised college wouldn’t it Steve? For once I agree with you and will be curious to see how you balance this out.

Concerns were voiced over student support and the implications of current restructuring efforts, particularly on postgraduate students. Mr Maharey said the review would not lead to a decline in quality of service, but a simplified structure that he hoped would lead to an improvement, which in reality will probably lead to overworked, stressed and hard to contact lecturers and answer phone messages telling you to leave a message after the beep. Hence the reason for all the international students.

A question from the Albany campus aired concerns over non-Massey students using the University’s facilities including the library. Mr Maharey said (laughed it off as a mere joking matter) it was a reflection of the quality of the campus’ facilities, but that it was important to prioritise the needs of Massey students first. “I am incredibly proud of the services that are offered.” And is not planning on doing anything about it so stop complaining and get over it, it’s a compliment to our campus. Smile and remember that when you can’t find a seat next time.

The forum held at noon at the Manawatu campus featured an interactive presentation streamed live over the Internet, enabling participation from students from all campuses as well as the 17,000 who study extramurally. This sounds huge, and very important, but really there was only a handful of student leaders and even less students there. So really it wasn’t as important as the previous sentences made it sound out to be.

There was more to the article, but I got bored.

Fliss’ obsession with clothes and shoes and an inability to throw anything out has turned into the need for renting an extra room in her K Road flat, simply to house all her gear. Two-tier high clothes racks line one and a half of the walls, the remainder taken up by dressers and shelves housing handbags, sunglasses, nail polish, ribbons, hair flowers, hats and an assortment of other accessories. The shoe collection takes up about a quarter of the available floor space. This place would be the envy of many costume stores and this is how Fliss and many of her friends view the room.

Decked out in a flirty skirt and killer red heels, Fliss explains that she is working on deciding what to do with the collection. Not sure she could bear to sell it, not entirely sure she could bear watching people hire it for dress-ups, bringing the clothes she worked so hard to find back with drink, smoke and other party related treaties on them. As it is she has to keep her a few of her male friends away from the room when having drinks, to avoid the clothes ending up on the floor, or worse on the thighs of a big hairy male. So for now, she satisfies the feeling of needing to justify the existence of the wardroom through blogging on her favourite pieces @ www.frockstar.co.nz.

When asked where her style inspirations come from, Fliss says that she has no set era or style, but goes with the attraction of individual pieces. With a never-ending supply of accessories in the form of handbags, shoes and hair flowers and ribbons, any new piece of clothing introduced to the collection is be able to be made right at home. Finding new pieces is part of the fun and challenge of creating such a diverse wardroom. The process is obviously addictive and here are Fliss’ tips for finding pieces to help express yourself with style and originality:

• Vintage clothing shopping is only as good as the time and patience you have to rummage.
• Paper Bag Princess on K Road is good as it doesn’t have anything over $20.
• Peachy Keen (left just before the overbridge/bus stops on K Road heading towards Ponsonby Road) is awesome, they do a couple of trips to the States each year and bring back unique clothing.
• Vixen in St. Kevin’s arcade (K Road) is a good source of diverse goodies.
• Onehunga and West Auckland have a multitude of opshops that still have $1 and $1.50 price tags and great vintage clothing can be found. Fliss recommends taking a whole day out to explore these suburbs properly.
• Trade.me is great for sourcing vintage pieces, but dangerous as you don’t have to leave the house and it is easy to get carried away.

Editor’s must see: SaveMart Whanganui: Whenever possible I go out of my way to visit this store. I have never came out with less than two bags full with awesomeness. This place is legendary: 45 Kelvin Street, Whanganui.

Check out Fliss’ favourite pieces on her blog: www.frockstar.co.nz

And here are a list of the top ten vintage clothing blogs: www.blogs.com/topten/top-10-vintage-clothing-blogs/

(1) Solar Charger USB Hub:

Today, it’s important to preserve the environment and power, and the only way to do it is by using power sources that are reusable. The solar charger usb hub looks like a standard usb hub, used for connecting multiple usb devices, but it offers so much more. When the solar charge usb is not in use, it can be used as an emergency power supply, as it has a built-in lithum-ion battery, which can be charged with the AC power supply or solar power. It also comes with ten different adapters that can easily charge all the common devices like Mp3 players, handheld consoles, PDA devices and mobile phones such as Blackberry, Nokia, Motorola, HTC, LG, Samsung and Sony Ericsson. So, overall, this amazing portable device is great for charging many devices on the go.

(2) Doxie Portable Scanner for iPhone, iPad and iPod Touch:

This portable scanner is a unique accessory for iPhone, iPad and iPod Touch, as it scans all sorts of documents on the go, and is then able to send those documents to services like Google Docs and Picasa. It scans in 24-bit color, Grayscale (8-bit) and black and white modes with 600dpi resolution. Scanning and sharing is quite easy to perform with this amazing product by using a single multi-action heart button. It can scan all of the documents in PDF, JPEG and PNG file format.

(3) HyperMac Stand with external battery for your iPad:

Recently the iPad was released in New Zealand. The HyperMac Stand is a stylish stand which allows you to iPad, and interact with it better. The HyperMac Stand has two slots where you can stand the iPad at either 18 or 45 degrees, with or without a case, along with a built-in 40-watt-hour rechargeable lithium-ion battery which extends the battery life of the iPad to 16 hours. This new product definitely has a need in the market when it comes to iPad because of it’s usefulness.

(4) Revolutionary Echo Smartpen:

This is a very cool piece of technology from Livescribe. The product is able to capture everything that its user hears and writes, which can then be transferred to a computer via a usb connection. This smart pen comes in 4 or 8 GB memory, which allows us to record about 400 or 800 hours of recordings. This new product has surely a great scope in the future.

(5) Vibration-Powered Generating Battery:

There are a lot of new gadgets in the market currently which help to preserve the environment, and one of them is this new vibration-powered generating battery. These batteries consist of a single battery and a generator that are connected with a small cord. They will be useful in devises like remotes (Ed’s note: Or vibrators!), as there is no need to replace the batteries, they are recharged through vibrations or shaking. More research is currently underway to make the vibration-powered generating battery more efficient, reducing the time required to recharge the battery.

Pronunciation: kü-gär\
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural – cougars
Etymology: French couguar, modification of New Latin cuguacuarana

A cougar is a female mammal of the homo sapient family, 35-55 years old, found throughout most populated areas. A capable stalk-and-ambush predator, preying on much younger males, cougars can frequently be seen in urban and suburban densely-populated habitats with liquor licenses. A cougar’s preferred prey item is usually, but not always under 25, as cougars prefer to prey on younger men who have hair and get erections naturally. Typically solitary and territorial, cougars have been frequently observed hunting in packs while individual territory sizes depend on terrain, vegetation, and abundance of prey. A cougar’s prime predation hours are late evenings to early mornings and especially during weekends. Cougars will typically leave their cubs with relatives, ex-husbands, ex-in-laws or an overnight sitter while hunting.

Typically, cougars have been known to misrepresent their age to prey due to the normally short duration of predation periods, from one night to several months, and having the advantage of a smokin’ hot appearance allowing them to pass for a much younger animal such as a Puma. Being older, wiser, and highly skilled; cougars pursue younger men more for their unwavering stamina than for materialism as is the case with the Puma. Cougars crave the attention and thrill of an uncomplicated sexually intense relationship that younger men tend to offer. Although the term’s urban use began pejoratively, it is now usually viewed as a compliment, as young men frequently enjoy being preyed upon by an attractive cougar.

Physical characteristics

Cougars are slender and agile standing 5 to 6 foot in height, without heels, with the ideal specimen averaging 36″ inches around the chest, 26″ around the waist and 36″ around the hips and buttocks while weighing anywhere between 100 to 135lbs on average. The cougar’s head is well maintained with a luxurious and frequently dyed mane and a painted-on face. The cougar has 10 claws on their forepaws and 10 shorter claws on their hind paws which typically are painted the same colour. The cougar’s skin varies in colour from specimen to specimen and even between siblings due to natural skin pigments, make-up, sun exposure and spray on tans. Hair colour, design or absence of hair in the pubic region of the cougar varies according to the cougar’s preference and whether the carpet will match the curtains, but typically the hair is darker than the mane in which the norm is a landing strip or a small semi-triangular patch.

Examples of cougars are; Kim Cattrall, Kim Basinger, Catherine Zeta Jones, Courtney Cox, Demi Moore, Faith Hill, Daryl Hannah, Tyra Banks, Vivica Fox, Andie MacDowell, among many other famous specimen.

Use in a sentence:
I smell like I’ve been mauled by a cougar all night.

“Hey Jerry, I’m about to go buy this girl a drink, want to come along? I think she has a friend next to her”
“Naw, theres a cougar in the corner that seems to be stalking me, I’m going to hold out for her”

Student 1: What happened to you last night? You were with us at the bar then you just kind of disappeared.
S 2: Dude, I was attacked by a cougar last night.
S 1: Fuck.

Is she a Cougar?

Here’s a simple equation to work out whether she is a cougar or not:

Take her true age*, divide it by two, and add seven = your age or younger, then she is a Cougar.

For example, a 40 year old woman scoring a 27 year old (or younger) male, would be classified as a cougar.

* A true Cougar would never lie about her age.

When I lived in South Korea for a year teaching English, I came across the opportunity to visit North Korea for a few days during the middle of winter. A trip into one of the least visited and known about countries in the world? Yes please.

North Korea is a socialist republic of roughly 23 million and is one of the most secretive countries in the world. Barely anything is known about the real lives of its citizens, only what has been recounted by defectors and outsiders who have managed to make it into, and out of, the country. One result of its seclusive nature is one of the most homogenous populations in the world.

I was preparing for my visit amid heated discussions between George Bush and Kim Jong-Il, meaning my city in South Korea, 14km from the border of North Korea, was on constant alert, with people buying up water and noodles, helicopters continuously circling in the sky, and planned events, such as fireworks displays and soccer matches being cancelled because they would provide perfect cover for the North to invade. My city area was the first line of defence, thus we would be the first to go if anything did happen.

Needless to say, I was a little apprehensive about going. Everyone I talked to asked why I wanted to go to North Korea, and I didn’t really have an answer, the wheels had been set in motion a few months earlier, and my visas processed, so I didn’t ever think about changing my mind.

The division between North and South Korea began long before the Korean War of 1950, and although a 1953 truce was called, the countries are still officially at war now as no peace treaty has been signed. The border between the two countries is heavily patrolled, with a 4km Demilitarised Zone (DMZ) or “buffer” separating the soldiers on each side of the border. Everyday life near the border in South Korea includes rivers with barbed wire and armed guards, and bridges and motorways with built-in dynamite places, so that if ever invaded, the main traffic arteries to Seoul (tha main city of South Korea) could be quickly and efficiently cut off. Unfortunately for the people in my town, they would be on the enemy side if invasion ever happened.

So here I was, heading into North Korea. One of the last things I did before boarding the bus that would take me to the far end of the South Korean side of the DMZ, from where I would have to walk to change onto a North Korean bus, was sign forms that absolved the UN and South Korea of anything that happened to me in North Korea. I was on my own.

As the bus drove into the DMZ, we left the last South Korean solider behind, a man in a booth on the side of the road with a huge white flag on the outside and I caught my first glimpse of how the landscape changes in a war zone. We were on a plain surrounded by bare mountains, the land stripped bare of all trees and natural features, making surveillance easier. The wind whipped up a dust storm as the line of buses carried us passengers towards North Korea.

I was one of 1200 tourists entering North Korea that weekend. We were all processed and moved at the same time in a convey of 23 buses. We were on strict instructions to not carry or display any American flags, slogans or propaganda. America is viewed as an even larger enemy than South Korea, as they are seen to have provided the guts of the military effort which blocks North Korea from “re-uniting” with their Southern half. The strange thing was that we were only allowed to use American dollars when buying anything in North Korea. I asked around about this and the answers were varied, but the most compelling was that the money from tourism went straight onto paying the country’s national debt.

We arrived at the North Korean side of the DMZ and were herded into lines to enter the immigration office. I entered a building which was really a large tent, and was told to go down a corridor and through a set of double doors. Watching the people disappear before me, my mind ran amuck imagining a firing squad at the other end, North Korean soliders getting rid of imperialist swine…

I walked down the corridor, stopped by the immigration officer, a North Korean, who took my passport, asked my name, and gave me a stamp. I was dismissed by a ‘next’, and continued down the corridor to the doors at the end. Taking a deep breath, I pulled open the doors to North Korea and found a giant brown bear standing and waving to me, giving out candies and brochures. I was somewhat disappointed and a little weirded out.

Walking out of the tent to survey the differences between the North and the South. It was the middle of the night, but everything was lit up by floodlights. I noticed two main differences: 1) the toilets sucked. They were porta loos which were not pretty, and 2) the soldiers which were at a distance before were now on the train tracks running directly behind the toilets. Their military uniforms seemed old fashioned to me, as I was used to the camo uniforms of the soldiers on the weekends around my South Korean town. The North Korean’s uniform was a long overcoat and a bowler hat, and their guns weren’t the big machine guns of the south, but pocket pistols kept at the hip, in a pouch with a clip on it, reminiscent of the Gestapo. They just stood there and watched us all.

We boarded new buses which would take us to our accommodation. On the buses we were again warned not to have anything American related and warned not to take any photographs on the way. This was enforced by the soldiers on the train tracks all along the road, who had red flags which they would raise if they saw someone taking photos from the bus. Enough of these flags raised and the entire convoy would be pulled over and cameras inspected.

On the way the landscape remained much the same as it did in the DMZ, with the additions of tanks and missile launchers installed in man-made caves on the hills, the odd housing settlement sprinkled around, and soliders and civilians with bicycles or ox and carts fighting the wind in single file on a second road in the distance, separated from our road by a barb wire fence. This was not going to be the first time I wondered whether we fenced in or out.

Our itinerary was carefully planned out so that we never had much time to ourselves. We stayed in one of a number of large hotels in a specially created village near the Taebaek Mountain Range, and hiking up Geumgangsan, or Diamond Mountain, was one of the things on our itinerary.

We arrived at our hotel at 6am, having spent the night travelling through North Korea, and were not allowed to book into our rooms until 10am. A circus show was planned for 8am, and as we were tired and cold and annoyed, we decided to find a bar and sample the local drop. As for the circus, let’s just say that North Korea is a bit behind in the circus tricks department, and I found myself being glared at by the performers for resting my eyes. Every act was followed by a push for unification with the South, and a flag showing the entire country was flown at every opportunity.

Despite the military presence and antagonism over the border, there is very little hostility between the citizens of both North and South Korea. South Koreans believe that North Koreans are still Korean, and therefore are family. When I asked a South Korean friend if she would rather a communist united country or things the way they are now, she replied “I wouldn’t know the difference”.

After a quick nap in our hotel room, we went walking around the hotel complex to see how far we could walk in either direction. The 1.5m high chain link fence running along the edge of the one road running into and out of town, was topped with barbed wire, and we only managed about 500m either way before finding a gap in the fence complete with a guard and a gun. This was a new experience in tourism, far from the peace of Samoa, or the freedom of Amsterdam.

North Koreans are hard to find in North Korea if you are a tourist. Most of the people who dealt directly with us were South Koreans or Chinese employed by North Korea, and the few North Koreans I came across were identifiable by a small badge with a picture of Kim Jong Il worn on their left breast. We were given ID passes which we had to wear around our necks to identify us.

One of the few North Koreans I saw and the only North Korean I was able to interact with was the doorman at my hotel. It was forbidden for us to take pictures of the numerous statues and murals of “the great leader and his father”, Kim Jong Il and Kim Il Sung, but we could get North Koreans to take the pictures for us. As North Koreans were as hard as hen’s teeth to find, I am sure there were not many pictures being taken of the great leader, but we struck gold because of my nationality. I spotted the doorman’s badge on the way out of our hotel and mimed asking if he would take our picture in front of the mural across the road. He hesitated and tapped his chest saying “Korea”, then pointing at me. I replied “Noo-Jee-Lan-D”. He smiled and just gave three little, “Ah…. Ah…. Ah….” while nodding. I followed him across the carpark to the mural wondering what he had been taught about our little country and wishing I could ask him what he thought and knows about us. Maybe he was just glad I wasn’t American.

The next day we headed into the mountains to go hiking. I had come on the trip for the experience and the people, so I was not excited about the hiking part. Never-the-less, we boarded our buses at 7am and headed into the mountains, which if the South Korean ones were anything to go by, were going to be a small hill with trees, rubbish and millions of people. I immediately perked up when our North Korean guide took up the microphone in one hand, and a guide book in the other, and proceeded to read through the propaganda surrounding our journey, in an obviously very poor level of English, were she pronounced each word as she read them off the page. I was having an excellent time deciphering her code, when she said this:
“Ma-ake uh-se of the lest-loom in the car-pak. Be-kaus-e on the mountain, little ones one dollar, big ones two dollar.”
I didn’t really believe that she meant what she was saying, until:
“Eb-le-bo-di say: ‘little ones one dollar, big ones two dollar. Okay? Okay.”
I was in stitches, barely noticing the crazy zigzagging path the bus was taking up a steep cliff on a one lane road.

It was absolutely freezing out, and although the sky was clear there was the occasional snow flurry. Luckily DPRK soju was sold on the roadside (bought with American dollars), but it helped warm us up. The mountains, in complete contrast with the rest of the country I had seen, were absolutely beautiful. Even more beautiful than New Zealand mountains. And the wackiest thing about them was that North Koreans, besides our guides, were unable to come and visit these mountains as they are closed to everyone bar tourists, making it all seem a little like Disneyland but without the Americans. Imagine if Milford Sound, or Mt Ruapehu, or the Bay of Islands was closed to us and only foreigners were allowed to enter.

The mountains turned out to be the highlight of my trip into the hermit nation. I had went in hoping to find out more about North Korea and its people, but found this a virtually impossible task, as the true nature of the country is determined to remain a mystery to outsiders. When the first South Korea solider came into sight in the DMZ
I sighed a huge sigh of relief. I couldn’t wait to get back to the relative safety of dynamite-ready bridges and overpasses, and soldiers on my side of the line.

Alright, so Spain made history by becoming the 8th team to win the World Cup; the first team since West Germany in 1974 to win the World Cup as European champions, the first new winner without home advantage since Brazil in 1958, and the first team to win the global showpiece having lost their opening game.

Italy were initiated into the exclusive class of teams that were crowned champions in one tournament, then be given the boot at the group stage of the following. France exited without a single win and Spain managed to be the worst in front of goal, yet still lift the trophy at the end of it all.

All these records set must mean it was an awesome world cup right? Wrong! Despite a couple of pretty cool events, this tournament deserves nothing but a two star rating. Let me explain why:

- The ‘Jabulani’ (the official match ball): There is simply no defending FIFA’s decision to allow the use of this ball. Though the goalies were the first to complain, outfield players soon followed, and it was evident throughout the matches that despite the weeks that players spent trying to comprehend the flight of the ball, they still were unable to put in the simplest of long passes or crosses, let alone long-range shots.

As for the goalies, well they just simply had no clue where the ball was going, until the very last second (a few of the English supporters would probably like to use this as an excuse to justify Robert Green’s little blunder).

- The big name flops: No I’m not talking about C. Ronaldo, I never really expected him to do much, to me he’s nothing but a flop, benefiting of his apparently good looks and ability to perform in small insignificant matches, and yes I do know about football! But that’s another topic for another day.

Players like Lionel Messi, Didier Drogba, Luis Fabiano, Kaka, Theirry Henry, Franck Ribery, Fernando Torres and Wayne Rooney to name a few, all failed to make an impact, in the end being shown up by young talents such as Mesut Özil, Thomas Mueller, Andre Ayew, Asamoah Gyan, Keisuke Honda, Alexis Sanchez and Michel Bastos.

The World Cup is a stage where great players announce themselves as legends…sadly this World Cup failed to produce a single legend.

- The Officials: Before they look into video refereeing and goal-line technology, FIFA need to seriously revise whom they’re hiring to officiate and how they’re being trained. There were some calls made/missed by the refs that really left you wondering. Lampard’s neglected goal against Germany, Tevez being miles offside on his second against Mexico, Edu’s disallowed goal against Slovenia.

Besides missing obvious calls, the refs did nothing to clamp down on the cheating that infested this world cup. Kader Keita’s blatant attempt to ensure Kaka was dismissed was a particular lowlight, as was Joan Capdevila versus Portugal. However, Luis Suarez’s blatant handball in the quarter-final match for Uruguay against Ghana, as instinctive as it was, took a shine from the South Americans’ sensational run to fourth place. Claiming it was his hand of god really didn’t help either.

I could really go on and on, but I think there needs to be some rewards now, so here they are:

Best game: Has to be Germany 4-1 England. That was an incredible match with plenty of drama. Germany smashing four past Australia was also a highlight, nothing like seeing them Aussies getting smashed with no reply.

Worst game: Brazil v Portugal was quite the snorefest, but that’s understandable considering the situation both teams were in, so for me this award goes to England v Algeria, England really should’ve cruised past the Africans in this on.

Best team performance: Despite Portugal thumping Korea DPR 7-0, this is a three horse race between Germany v Argentina, Brazil v Chile and Spain v Germany, simply because the losing team really had NO reply.

Worst team performance: to me France and Italy were the worst teams in the tournament, but at least Italy showed SOME fighting spirit against Slovakia, France wins this easily!

Biggest Upset: Switzerland 1-0 Spain, this was really an unexpected result, especially considering Spain were attacking relentlessly for the entire match.

Over performers: Ghana! If it hadn’t been for that cheating scum Suarez, they’d have finished 4th in the WC! Honourable mention to New Zealand for being the only unbeaten team in the World Cup, that definitely is an achievement!

Best player: Thomas Müller (Germany). What a find he is. Had he not been suspended for the semi-final with Spain, Germany may have won the thing.

Most disappointing player: Wayne Rooney wins the flop of the tournament and he had plenty of competition including World Cup winner Fernando Torres and Cristiano Ronaldo, but one was coming off an injury and the later at least scored a goal.

Best save: The most important was the Iker Casillas’ stop to deny Arjen Robben in the final.

Worst ‘save’: One name…LUIS SUAREZ!!

FIFA’s biggest screw up: Most would say goal-line technology, but I say not having decent officials was the biggest mistake. Lampard’s goal shouldn’t need goal-line technology to be awarded, make sure you have refs that aren’t blind please FIFA!

Best goal: Andres Iniesta’s finish in the final was probably most important, but Maicon’s goal for Brazil against Korea DPR for me was just out of this world.

Best entertainment: Diego Maradona, he may not have been the best coach out there, but he won over many with his spirit and energy.

Worst entertainment: Holland’s rough house tactics in the final. A total disgrace, how Nigel De Jong wasn’t sent off for that karate kick on Xabi Alonso I will never know.

Best penalty: Sebastián Abreu’s penalty against Ghana…to have that much composure in such a time is simply amazing.

Worst penalty: Asamoah Gyan’s strike which hit the bar in Ghana’s game with Uruguay. It came after Suarez’s handball and was the last kick of extra-time. It could have sent the Africans into the semi-finals.

Best coach: Vicente del Bosque, simple, he won the European championship in 08 and now he’s gone and made history by leading Spain to their first ever World Cup.

Worst coach: I’ll give it to France’s Raymond Domenech, just ahead of Diego Maradona and Fabio Capello.

Best team: Germany, they were just the most entertaining, strange isn’t it, considering their systematic way, they still out did teams such as Brazil and Argentina who are known for beautiful football.

Worst team: France, they did absolutely nothing! And then to top it off they self imploded, it’s a sad time for French football.

And of course, shout outs go to my man Paul the octopus for maintaining a 100% prediction record throughout the World Cup. How they came up with the idea of asking an octopus I don’t know!

I’m sure many don’t agree with what I’ve written, so lemme know what you reckon, hope you enjoyed this article, bring on Brazil 2014!!!

With the thought of summer comes the summer festivals, but in New Zealand we only really have two major festivals; Rhythm and Vines, and the Big Day Out, both of these festivals bringing in big acts from around the world to play in our small little slice of paradise. Whether you are a New Year’s junkie and go to Rhythm and Vines, or whether you consider yourself a true music lover and go to the Big Day Out in mid January, the question has to be asked; are we getting what we really want, or are there better festivals out there?

First a little bit of history in to our current festivals that happen in New Zealand.
Big Day Out is actually an Australian Tour that began to hit New Zealand shores in 1994 and went through until 1997. 1998 saw Big Day Out take a break for unknown reasons, and then come back in 1999 to rock our shores till the present day. Big name artists that have played The Big Day Out since 1992 include Nirvana, My Chemical Romance, Hole, Muse, New Order, Lily Allen, Violent Femmes, Peaches, Iggy Pop and the Stooges, The Ramones, The Smashing Pumpkins, Soundgarden, The Offspring, Rammstein, Limp Bizkit, Rage Against the Machine, The Strokes, Rise Against, The Prodigy, Marilyn Manson, Foo Fighters, Blink-182, Metallica, Korn, Tool, Arcade Fire, TV on the Radio, Coldplay, The Killers, Nine Inch Nails, System of a Down, Neil Young and Red Hot Chili Peppers.

All up you could say that the Big Day Out brings a wide range of music to NZ and fits it all into one day. But if this type of festival and music selection doesn’t tickle your fancy maybe you’re more of a Rhythm and Vines fan.

Rhythm and Vines is one of New Zealand’s most iconic homegrown festivals located a few kilometers out of Gisborne. Originally starting as a one day concert, the creators of RnV decided to stretch it out to cover three action packed days in a magnificent location. A few of the highlight international artists from past RnV festivals would be Empire of the Sun, Moby, John Butler Trio, Public Enemy, The Kooks, Franz Ferdinand, however before the event started to gain international attention, it was mainly a place for New Zealand acts such as Shihad, Katchafire, Kora and Shapeshifter to take the stage and play their hearts out. Started by a couple of Otago Uni students, Hamish Pinkham and Tom Gibson and a Gisborne local Andrew Witters this is definitely a kiwi made production.

But the question has to be asked, are these two festivals enough for New Zealand, does it cater for the divine music tastes, in recent years it seems like the Big Day Out has been pushing towards the Top 20 sound with recent artists such as Dizzy Rascal and Lily Allen taking the stage,

But for you Alternative/Punk/Metal heads out there, I guess it is safe to say that when it comes to the Big Day Out, you are there for three bands then leave or bum around for the rest of the day.

Well I have your solution, it just needs some interest:

The Soundwave Festival is an alternative-style festival (similar to the format of the Big Day Out), that comes from Australia. The great thing about this festival is that it is in February so it is a gap filler between New Years and the beginning of Uni, (you know when it gets to that slow dragging part that you can’t stand), but also there is a major presence of Rock, Punk and Metal gods from around the world.

In recent years Soundwave has bought artists to Australia such as +44, Deftones, Parkway Drive, Unwritten Law, Hatebreed, MxPx, The Offspring, Incubus, Killswitch Engage, Alexisonfire, Motion City Soundtrack, All Time Low, Madina Lake, Devine Heresy, Nine Inch Nails, Bloodhound Gang, Alice in Chains, Lamb of God, Billy Talent, Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, Less Than Jake, New Found Glory, Lacuna Coil, 36 Crazyfists, Faith No More, Jimmy Eat World, Janes Addiction, Meshuggah, Anthrax, Placebo, My Chemical Romance and plenty more. Even just looking at this list you will realize that half of these bands never come to New Zealand yet alone the Southern Hemisphere. But when it involves playing a festival show they are willing to come down.
New Zealand missed out this year on big names playing on our shores such as Jane’s Addiction and Jimmy Eat World, however if we push to get Soundwave to New Zealand, we could be looking at bigger names playing our shores, seeing how good our crowds are and how beautiful our country is, and they may actually come back and play again in the future on their own accord.

Im not saying that RnV and BDO are shit; they bring their own range of artists. I’m just saying that New Zealand needs more options and more opportunities to bring big acts to our shores, and if bringing another Australian festival to NZ is the way of doing it then I’m more than keen to.

If you are ready to help out then head to facebook and seach “Bring Soundwave to NZ” and join the NZ flagged picture, if we get enough input we may be able to show that we want this festival here.

This will be your first time at Massey, what are you looking forward to?

Is it my first time? I’m sure I’ve rocked Massey before. I must be losing my mind, wow I’m a Massey virgin!

Which other shows other then the one at Massey have you got coming up?

Shit loads, check www.tikidub.com for the iiiish!

Do you write your own music?

As far as I know, unless some-one else is cleverly sneaking into my studio while I’m asleep.

What are the main themes in your songs?

Everything and nothing.

Where do you get your inspiration from?

Everything and nothing.

What are your favourite and least favourite venues/gigs to play?

I’ve played a few gang pads in the past, they kinda suck. I’m happiest when I play outside, at night, in the summer time, with plenty of happy interactive people.

What has been the biggest obstacle in your life? How did you overcome it?

Self doubt. I’m still overcoming it.

What do you think makes you different from all the other aspiring musicians out there?

Well I guess I’ve got many many hats. I can do the band thing, the acoustic thing, the DJ & MC thing, then I’m Shapeshifters Live Sound Engineer, and I produce and release my own music thru my own record label Dirtydub – oh yeah I own Tikidub Productions as well which has a whole bunch of things me and my sisters do, like run the merch for artists such as Shapeshifter, ladi 6, Hollie Smith, The Blackseeds etc… oh yeah I also own a pub in Palmerston North called The Grand – I don’t think any other artists are also publicans.

You played your final gig with Salmonella Dub on New Years 2006, what made you make the decision to go it alone?

Well Sal Dub are happy to just keep on making the same kind of music, which is good for the barbi, but I wanted to take some risks and really push myself as a musician, vocalist and producer, which lead to me leaving the band completely. I learnt so much while in the Dub, and if it wasn’t for my time with that band then I wouldn’t be where I am today.

What has been the biggest achievement in your life so far? Both musically and personally?

Musically I’m proud that I was apart of the Dub movement in NZ, also the Drum n bass movement, and more recently the Dubstep movement. I’ve had huge success with the last record and especially with my song Always On My Mind which still amazes me its done so well, so I will take thet with a smile to my grave for sure! But more then ever I’m a proud dad now. My son Chico is 16 months old, and he’s given me a lot to think about and feel, emotions thet I’ve never felt before for another human being.