Dick Hardy’s Guide to All Things Cougar-esque
August 2010
Cougar
Pronunciation: kü-gär\
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural – cougars
Etymology: French couguar, modification of New Latin cuguacuarana
A cougar is a female mammal of the homo sapient family, 35-55 years old, found throughout most populated areas. A capable stalk-and-ambush predator, preying on much younger males, cougars can frequently be seen in urban and suburban densely-populated habitats with liquor licenses. A cougar’s preferred prey item is usually, but not always under 25, as cougars prefer to prey on younger men who have hair and get erections naturally. Typically solitary and territorial, cougars have been frequently observed hunting in packs while individual territory sizes depend on terrain, vegetation, and abundance of prey. A cougar’s prime predation hours are late evenings to early mornings and especially during weekends. Cougars will typically leave their cubs with relatives, ex-husbands, ex-in-laws or an overnight sitter while hunting.
Typically, cougars have been known to misrepresent their age to prey due to the normally short duration of predation periods, from one night to several months, and having the advantage of a smokin’ hot appearance allowing them to pass for a much younger animal such as a Puma. Being older, wiser, and highly skilled; cougars pursue younger men more for their unwavering stamina than for materialism as is the case with the Puma. Cougars crave the attention and thrill of an uncomplicated sexually intense relationship that younger men tend to offer. Although the term’s urban use began pejoratively, it is now usually viewed as a compliment, as young men frequently enjoy being preyed upon by an attractive cougar.
Physical characteristics
Cougars are slender and agile standing 5 to 6 foot in height, without heels, with the ideal specimen averaging 36″ inches around the chest, 26″ around the waist and 36″ around the hips and buttocks while weighing anywhere between 100 to 135lbs on average. The cougar’s head is well maintained with a luxurious and frequently dyed mane and a painted-on face. The cougar has 10 claws on their forepaws and 10 shorter claws on their hind paws which typically are painted the same colour. The cougar’s skin varies in colour from specimen to specimen and even between siblings due to natural skin pigments, make-up, sun exposure and spray on tans. Hair colour, design or absence of hair in the pubic region of the cougar varies according to the cougar’s preference and whether the carpet will match the curtains, but typically the hair is darker than the mane in which the norm is a landing strip or a small semi-triangular patch.
Examples of cougars are; Kim Cattrall, Kim Basinger, Catherine Zeta Jones, Courtney Cox, Demi Moore, Faith Hill, Daryl Hannah, Tyra Banks, Vivica Fox, Andie MacDowell, among many other famous specimen.
Use in a sentence:
I smell like I’ve been mauled by a cougar all night.
“Hey Jerry, I’m about to go buy this girl a drink, want to come along? I think she has a friend next to her”
“Naw, theres a cougar in the corner that seems to be stalking me, I’m going to hold out for her”
Student 1: What happened to you last night? You were with us at the bar then you just kind of disappeared.
S 2: Dude, I was attacked by a cougar last night.
S 1: Fuck.
Is she a Cougar?
Here’s a simple equation to work out whether she is a cougar or not:
Take her true age*, divide it by two, and add seven = your age or younger, then she is a Cougar.
For example, a 40 year old woman scoring a 27 year old (or younger) male, would be classified as a cougar.
* A true Cougar would never lie about her age.
By Stacey Riordan
By Aymen Al-Majmuei
Well we all sit at our lecture spots or in the computer labs this time of year thinking to ourselves “F%$# I wish it was summer already, sun, sand… WARMTH!”
This will be your first time at Massey, what are you looking forward to?