By NP Keesing
I spend too much of my life on the bus, waiting for buses. The bus can be crowded, uncomfortable and smelly. Just getting a seat can sometimes be problematic. I watched a frenzy happen the other week over who was going to get on an overcrowded bus. The driver had to shout at them to get back into the rain. It could all be solved so easily…
National bus: The whites get on first and then the Asians, then finally all the others if there is still room. Usually there isn’t.
Labour bus: Women, the ethnic, immigrants, metro-sexuals, and gays only are allowed on; the other white males pay to push it up the hills. The female drivers keep hitting the walls and bits are beginning to come off.
NZ first bus: The Maori and whites are on board, and old people are driving it. It runs over many people on its journey; mostly Asian immigrants
Greens bus: Everybody gets on, and the driver gets everyone heavily stoned. Then the gasoline and tyres are sold to save dolphins and everybody has to get out and walk.
Maori party bus: Those with Maori ancestry are allowed on for free. Nga-Puhi are forced to sit on the floor. Fires occasionally break out and there are dogs biting and plenty of cannabis available. The windows have bars on them. There is no timetable and no map.
United Future bus: Everyone is drug tested before getting on board. Everyone is expected to sing happy songs about working. Everyone is tired and bored.
Act bus: Everyone gets on for free, and then feeds money every 5 minutes into slots in the back of the seat facing them. When your money runs out, you have credit at 22%. You realize your seat is a cage…
ASA bus: One driver accuses another of sexual harassment and the bus goes to court. Finally it arrives an hour late. Meanwhile some of the money goes missing, and executive bans everyone from the bus except the local branch of youth Labour who drive it off a cliff. This entertains many passengers.
Christian bus: Only lets you on if you recite your timetable backwards. Complimentary preaching provided. Doesn’t run on Sundays.
Brethren bus: No one can get on; it’s too full of undistributed leaflets.
Muslim bus: It’s an old bomb, picks up everyone, and detonates if an American tries to board. The driver badly needs a shave. The women have to sit on the floor, and there is to be no talking, but it is free.
Nazi bus: Picks up everyone, except whites. Is bright and shiny, and always arrives on time and has lower emissions of any of the others. It is also free.
Free market bus: There is room for 5 or 6 people in corporate boxes inside. The rest of us are crammed onto the roof. Many fall off to the delight and entertainment of the passengers below.
Anarchist bus: The person who has the most tattoos and does the most drugs, is the driver. The bus only picks up people who wait between bus-stops. There is a body piercing shop in the rear.