With over 80 friends on Facebook, Brendan Liebert* epitomises popularity and what it really means to be cool. As a 21-year-old IT graduate with a 16-year-old girlfriend, Brendan has it made. Nathan Calis, desperate to find out the secrets to being cool and making so many friends, went to interview the man, the legend. He taught Nathan how to be cool in ten simple steps:

1) Looking cool is fundamental to being cool. Wear fun t-shirts like those TradeMe ones you get from completing over 2000 trades. Funny shirts are an absolute winner, especially with the girls. I try to find ones that say things like “Can I stroke your beaver?” or “I’ve got wood”. Dress like this and people will realise you shop at Farmers, and everyone knows that’s cool.

2) Be a vegetarian. This tip is especially useful for the girls. Guys love a chick that is picky when it comes to food, so say things like “I am NOT going to eat that”. When your boyfriend goes to get shaved ham from the deli, make sure he buys the freedom farm varieties; he won’t mind paying triple.

3) Take up gaming. Whether you are a guy or a girl, people are gonna dig you if you like hanging out at the local internet café playing World of Warcraft. Don’t get a Nintendo wii, no one thinks that they’re cool. However, arm yourself with the limited edition silver Xbox 360 and a copy of Lego Batman and you are guaranteed to have dozens of Bebo friend requests when you get home.

4) ride a bike. Preferably one of those trick bikes with the pegs at the back. Matthew Ridge is a fine example of a cool guy on a bike. If you’re white, wear a flat peak, skater shoes, and Dirty Dog suglasses, especially when you’re inside. People will like you way more.

5) Quote movies. Recite parts of Austin Powers, Harry Potter or Borat. Better still; quote movies that no one has seen. People love it when they feel left out.

6) Stay at uni. Keep doing degrees well into your thirties, and then campaign to be the student association president. Mature students are cool, especially the ones that think they are.

7) Get sensitive with the boys. This one is particularly important for the guys as they love nothing better than a yarn about their feelings. Say shit like, “Do you reckon we’ll be mates forever?” and “If we were acting out Titanic, who would you be?”.

Be a prick. People love a guy that can be a real asshole at times. Insult people blatantly, like asking fat people when they are due. Insult peoples children, saying things like “Urggh! What a fucken ugly baby.” Then look up at the parents and say “It’s hardly surprising though is it?”. Sexist guys are also really trendy at the moment, so patronize women saying things like, “get in the kitchen women”. Just like in form three, people will crack up at the sheer creativity and controversy of such statements. Act like this, and you will get laid.

9) Be a narcissist. Everyone appreciates a narcissist.

10) Facebook is a great place to show the world how cool you are and make friends. Add people you don’t know as friends. It’s totally normal, and people will just think you’re friendly. People also like it when their news feed is cluttered with quiz results and Farmville updates, so remember to check fortune cookie several times a day. Better yet, wirelessly update your Bebo status via your cell phone, its so much cooler.

Clearly, being cool isn’t actually that hard. As usual, the answers to our questions are much simpler than we expect. Follow these elementary tips from Brendan, and you will be well on you’re way to being cool and making lots of friends.

*Brendan Liebert is a fictitious character, potentially representing all the people I hate in my life.