“You know what I like? Robots. And Unicorns. I’m also partial to Dolphins and Rainbows. I want to incorporate ALL these elements into a game.”

Suzanne’s putting together a sweet review for Issue 3, so you can compare and contrast your notes on this magical fanfare then.

Oh, and here’s the link:

http://games.adultswim.com/robot-unicorn-attack-twitchy-online-game.html 

Don’t forget to turn your speakers up at full blast. The soundtrack will Blow. Your. Mind.

- Analiese

Despite having been asked by the Albany Students’ Association to reconsider some of their more graphic advertising, The Ferguson has decided to continue marketing parties to students by using questionable images on their posters.

Last Wednesday, Satellite received a formal complaint from a student who went to The Ferguson for a casual drink with friends during their lunch break, only to be confronted by the poster on the LCD screens.

The complainant, who wanted to be known only as “Grossed Out”, described the posters as depicting a “buxom bird, a pathetic play on words and marketing that is more reminiscent of K’ Rd than a student bar at a university.”

“Myself and some other mature students went to the Ferguson Bar to cool off and get some much needed refreshment. The drinks were reasonably priced, the service was great but holy mother of bad taste, what is happening with the events that are being planned for students?” she said.

The event, otherwise known as the Cum ‘n’ Sweat Party, is not the first of it’s kind.  The inaugural Cum‘n’ Sweat Party, held last October, caused concern from several women students on campus, including then- Albany Students’ Association Women’s Welfare Representative, Helen van Asch, who stated that The Ferguson may like to “review [their] promotional material in future to ensure that it is not offensive to students on campus.”

This time around, The Ferguson has opted to retain the title of the event but, instead of placing this over the image of an actual woman’s legs, they have elected to use a drawn image of a scantily clad woman surrounded by white splodges.

When shown an image of the poster, current Women’s Welfare Representative Amy Lyes said that she was “…disappointed in The Ferguson for thinking that they have to hold such an event to attract students to their bar.”

‘Grossed Out’ told Satellite that it was not just she that had taken exception to the advertisement but other, younger students who had voiced their concerns to her.

“Some sweet, young things, that were in my class just  happened to mention that they did not think they would be frequenting the bar as they were afraid that they  would be drugged , duped and corralled reluctantly into  being the star attraction in some x rated porn movie…”

‘Grossed Out’ has a simple message to the Ferguson Management: “…if they want to attract the dirty raincoat brigade from around the Albany business and industrial centre they are doing the right thing. However, if they want to keep the patronage of students and staff they need to lift their eyes above gutter level and actually use a little bit of imagination in the events they plan on campus.” she said.

Despite Satellite having forwarded the email to management, The Ferguson Bar could not be reached for comment by the time this magazine had gone to print.

By Sarah Robson (Salient)

Education Minister Anne Tolley had the tertiary education portfolio taken off her hands in a Cabinet reshuffle by Prime Minister John Key last month.

Steven Joyce took over as Minister of Tertiary Education, reportedly to allow Tolley more time to focus on the implementation of the controversial national standards for literacy and numeracy in primary schools.

The announcement marked the end of the “Great Tolley Hunt”, a quest embarked upon by student media outlets across the country in a bid to get Tolley to respond to requests for comment.

Tolley’s lack of engagement with students on tertiary education issues, and her reluctance to talk to student media, did little to instill confidence in the Minister.

Craccum reported that Tolley failed to keep an appointment with 2009 NZUSA Co-Presidents Sophia Blair and Jordan King in March last year.

Tolley was scheduled to speak at a VUWSA Student Representative Council (SRC) meeting in early October, but cancelled her appearance.

Tolley gave one interview with student media—Otago University’s Critic—during her time as the Minister of Tertiary Education. Salient pursued Tolley for an interview in late 2009, only to have repeated requests declined.

Tolley was also criticised for using a helicopter to get a bird’s eye view of Auckland University of Technology’s (AUT) multiple campuses during a visit to the university.

Former Craccum Co-Editor Matthew Harnett was wearing his infamous “Anne Tolley M.I.A.” t-shirt when he was informed of the reallocation of the tertiary education portfolio.

“The tears rolled down my cheeks and fell on to her face,” Harnett said.

Former Salient Editor Jackson James Wood expressed dissatisfaction with Tolley’s inadequate efforts to engage with students.

“Her repeated efforts to avoid student media made her a silent, yet deadly enemy.”

A number of cuts were made across the tertiary education sector under Tolley’s watch in 2009, including slashing funding for night classes, the removal of consumer price index adjustments for funding to tertiary institutions, the disestablishment of the capital investment fund and the removal of the Step-Up and Bonded Merit scholarships.

Student politicians, refusing to comment on Tolley’s performance as Minister of Tertiary Education, have told Salient they are looking forward to working constructively with Joyce.

“We look forward to Steven being more willing to engage directly with students than his predecessor,” VUWSA President Max Hardy said.

Anne Tolley: A series of unfortunate events

Ms Tolley copped some severe criticism from student media outlets across the country during her reign as Minister of Tertiary Education. Were we justified in our complaints, mockery and dissatisfaction with the Minister responsible for overseeing the tertiary education sector? We’ll let you be the judge.

Tolley declined an invitation to speak at NZUSA’s January conference in 2009.

Tolley skipped an appointment with NZUSA Co-Presidents Sophia Blair and Jordan King. Craccum reported that Blair and King had flown from Auckland to make the meeting, only to be told that Tolley’s office had forgotten the appointment. They were incorrectly booked for April.

Salient, Craccum and Critic all approached Tolley for comment for stories, with varying degrees of success. Critic got a face-to-face interview with Tolley, Salient tried to do the same later in 2009 and failed.

Tolley told Salient in March 2009 that she “hadn’t had any involvement in student politics”.

Tolley decided it would be a good idea to take a helicopter to see all of AUT’s different campuses. Tolleycopter has a nice ring to it. Questions were raised in parliament as to the appropriateness of a minister taking a helicopter ride during an economic recession.

Funding for night classes was drastically cut in the 2009 budget. Tolley herself had participated in such classes.

Student leaders reject the appalling generalisations cast on students by an unbalanced story on the student loan scheme, aired on TVNZ’s ‘Close Up’ programme Tuesday evening.

Three tertiary students were profiled in the report discussing their borrowing from the loans scheme, and investing this money rather than using it for living costs, as intended by the scheme.

“Most students don’t borrow to invest, they borrow to live. The appalling behaviour of the very small minority portrayed does not represent the lives of most working and studying students,” says NZUSA co-President David Do.

“The vast majority of students are ineligible for a student allowance and do not receive support from their parents. Students borrow living costs from their loan because they have no other choice to support themselves during their education. Students do take their studies seriously and are grateful for the support they do receive,” says Do.

Many students also work part-time on top of full-time study. According to the 2007 NZUSA Income and Expenditure survey, 90% of fulltime students undertook some form of paid work during the academic year. Full time students worked an average of 14 hours per week.

“Lots of students have had difficulty finding work during the summer period, so are starting the year with less savings than usual. Many students would usually use summer jobs to help save money to offset some of their living and academic costs during the year. In the absence of such jobs, this will increase financial pressure on students, and increase student poverty and student debt,” says Do.

NZUSA welcomes Minister Joyce’s recognition that “for the most part people are actually being very fair in the way they are using [loans and allowances]”

“However, TVNZ has effectively encouraged irresponsible behaviour by deliberately seeking out a very small minority of students who wish to publicise and revel in their behaviour and own lack of responsibility. TVNZ is funded in part by taxpayer’s money. It is a waste of taxpayer’s money to encourage other people to waste taxpayer’s money,” concludes Do.

In a very Carrie Bradshaw-like way, this got me to thinking: does an editor always need to be impartial on the various subjects that it presents to its target audience? I suppose, being the editor of an exceptionally small publication, I’ve never really thought about not sharing my opinion on the various bits and pieces that go on around campus; I do, after all, have an opinion on most subject matters (for better or worse) so why wouldn’t I sing it from the rooftops when given a journalistic platform to share my views?

“Ah, yes, but you’re in the rather privileged position of deciding what we do and don’t read,” I hear you cry. “You, by possessing the power of writing the first page every fortnight, could bias the willing public to thinking that what you dictate is gospel!” I would hope that at this level of tertiary study, nobody would take what was written down on paper, lest of all a student magazine, as purely objective fact. Most people here understand that everything is subjective and that ultimately, it is up to them to decide what they choose to absorb like the academic sponges that they are,  or what they choose to discard, like a used issue of the Women’s Weekly.

The fact of the matter is, I suppose, that no one is inherently impartial. Everyone, at one stage or another, will have an opinion on a certain topic (whether it is informed or not is another story). Yes, I chose to address Voluntary Student Membership in a rather whimsical way, but it’s not as though I’ve never expressed an opinion before. As an example, I’ve written numerous times on my hatred of fruit and meat together. It’s a staunch view, yes, but it’s hardly going to have an adverse effect on the thoughts and feelings of the thousands of apricot chicken loving students out there. No one is going to throw down their turkey and cranberry sandwiches in the middle of the Quad and yell: “You know what? That Editor speaks the TRUTH. These sandwiches are the WORK OF THE DEVIL! You disgust me, sandwich!” Seriously. It’s not going to happen. So why would it with any other opinion I have? Technically speaking, they really hold the same weight.  Having said that though, I do strongly believe in the segregation of fruit and meat. It’s a big issue.  But I digress.

I don’t expect everyone to agree with what I have to say. If truth be told, I would hope that not everyone agrees with what I have to say; it’s the very nature of a publication of this type to provide a forum for a diverse range of arguments to be heard, not just the editors. This is just one of the reasons why I continually harp on at you (though I like to call it “actively encourage”) you Massey Albany students to contribute, no matter how big or small that contribution may be. Email me at satellite@asa.ac.nz to get involved.

As for my slightly tongue-in-cheek response to that letter I got? Well, you can check it out in the letters section. I’m not taking it tooooo seriously though, because, in the words of Damian from the highly intellectual film Mean Girls: “…He doesn’t even go to this school!”

Reviewer: Sarah Dolan

Okay, before I start, I’ll have you know that I am a fan of the horror genre. I force myself to stay up until 11.30 pm EVERY Sunday night, just so I can enjoy the weekly horror screening on Channel 2. It’s enjoyable. When I went to see this particular movie, I was expecting it be of the norm, you know, predictable and all. I was wrong. I freaked out. A lot.

So, the style of the storyline and the style of movie are made to seem like it is a real home movie, filming the “paranormal happenings” within the household. I loved how there were NO credits, before and after the film *thumbs up*. At first, the film is slow and not much happens, then it starts happening, fast. The style of the film is formulaic and, each time, starts with a day scene (involving a couple that has a nice house and seems to not do much) followed by a night scene. The night scene is where you have to brace yourself. I know, I know, I’m a girl and my views on this movie are most probably highly influenced by my gender but I’m almost 100% certain that the guys in the cinema were freaking out too.  All this creepy stuff happens like light switches turning on and off by themselves and chandeliers swaying in the darkness and throughout the film, it is left to the unknown as to who’s doing it all, which is pretty cool.

I was disappointed by the ending, which was pretty random, but most people thought it was super scary, clutching their boyfriend’s hands as they walked out of the theatre saying stuff along the lines of: “I’m not sleeping tonight, Bob. Actually no, I don’t think I’ll sleep for a week”. I must admit though, as much I’d like to take the piss out of the 15 year old girls, it freaked me out too.

All in all, the style of the movie was awesome, it was different and made to seem like it could happen to anyone, which made it less predictable and more effective. Apart from the freak factor, I recommend it. It’ll totally get your heart racing.

I liken Auckland nightlife to all the times I got stuck in an elevator at AUT. Kinda thrilling, but you hope that you never do it again, but you know you will someday because, after all, it’s really awesome have a small personal-space-to-actual-space ratio, but kinda be scared out of your brains and then be thinking and eventually screaming stuff like, “WHY AM I HERE? WHY. WHY COULDN’T I JUST STAY HOME AND DO DRUNK PILATES?”

I’ve never done drunk Pilates because I don’t drink [much]**, but I’d imagine that doing Pilates drunk would be just like everything else you could do while drunk: not very funny. “Oh my god, you’re like, falling over n stuff.” Oh. Wow. That’s uniquely funny.

Excuse me, Gisborne’s reigning tequila queen, the title of funny drunk is exclusively reserved for Dylan Moran. Thank you.

Anyways, going out is always enlightening and last night I had literally buckets of enlightenment. Buckets.

I learnt that I would much rather buy vodka shots for my eyes, than jump around to recordings of bands whom I really liked in 7th form but am severely embarrassed to like now.

“Weird. She’s like, pouring shots in her eyes.” Weird, yes, but you’re booty dancing to Fall Out Boy.

You really build a sense of compassion for your fellow human being and you want to say to that really lovely looking girl, “Please don’t go home with him. He’s going to double strength your chlamydia.” I almost said that when a friend pulled me aside and said, “I tried.” Despair overcame me, I fell to the ground and wept tears of empathy, sympathy, apathy, psychopathy, neuropathy, telepathy, hydropathy and footpaths.

People think they can touch you. What the hell? You can’t touch me. Shut up and stop touching me. I only allow people to touch me when getting beaten in a crowd while watching The Mars Volta. So, I was standing on one side and there was plenty of room to shuffle on past, but the guy looks me in the eye and says, “Sorry, hun excuse me.” and then grabs me around the waist as if to move me to the side politely. I can’t merge myself into this wall. I can’t. My boyfriend is related to the Sicilian mafia and you live in Henderson. But what do I do? Being the badass I am, I reply with a very offensive, “Oh, sorry.”

I also got licked by a girl on the arm after stating that I might taste like rice because I’m Asian. Apparently I taste normal, and that’s okay because, normal is often good.

Finally, I ended up in a bar where people were wearing oversized Wayfarer glasses, using big words and not smiling. It felt like home, yet I was compelled to ask them if they liked Midnight Youth, cuz they’re eclectic right? I started smiling for some screwed up reason I can’t remember and everyone walked away.

Ah, Auckland nightlife, when can we meet again? WHEN I ASK!!! WHEN??!!?!!!!! WHEEEEENNNN!!!!!!!!????

 Sikander “AlexQ” Gore

Well, this is the first of it’s kind in Satellite magazine. The magazine has been full of articles / columns on movies, food, and culture, but, as a person who is keen to head out to town and party more often than not and, also being a DJ who plays at several events around Auckland, it dawned upon me: why not include a column that provides info, news, gossip and an upcoming gig list for all you party goes out there who are looking for a great time on the weekends or even during the week perhaps?

This column from now will provide you with info on my favorite hot spots, bars, DJs, visiting international acts and gigs around the city.

Now, if you’re like me, then your weekend pretty much starts from Wednesday night! Wednesday nights has established itself a student’s night out into town, with  free entry at most bars and some great prices on drinks. A great Wednesday night out for me would start at CASSETTE 9, Vulcan Lane, with Teenage Kicks resident DJ’s playing new alternative tracks, all your favorite Indie tunes and classic beats to get you running onto the dance floor!  Get there by 9pm for their amazingly delicious 1/2 price teapots all night. These are the most delicious cocktails that are served in tea pots with shot glasses. Expect this place to pack out real quick .

Once I have had my share of tea pots and indie/alternative beats, I then would then move on to Code, Shortland St, for SUCK MY DISCO. Shots are had through cute disco balls and, better yet, you will be entertained with some real funky electro tunes feat a decent line up of some of Auckland’s best up and coming DJs.

Once the clock hits 12am , its time to head to Lounge Bar, High St. for JUMP OFF. This is where you will get your dose of the best hip hop and rnb with Dj Lenium & guest scratching, chopping and looping through tunes like there is no tomorrow. If you get in there earlier, I am sure that you will be treated to some free shots of Alize.

North Shore is the place to be on a Thursday night! Ferguson Bar features DJ Vandabelle and Tommy G jamming commercial house and electro all night with the best bar prices that you can find. Queues begin to develop from around 10pm so get in there quick if you want in, though The Ferguson tends to cater to the 18yr – 21yr olds. If this is not to your liking then check out The Backyard Bar, Northcote which predominantly has a 21yrs+ crowd. ‘FUSE’ is North Shores Club Night Out and is held on the first Thursday of every month at Backyard. It features DJs Daniel Farley, Jarrod Phillips, and I playing the latest club tracks. So do look out for the next FUSE, which will be on the 4^th March.

In fact, everyone tends to keep it local on a Thursday night, right from Hangar Bar in West Auckland which has Karn Hall as its Resident Thursday night DJ, to Basalt, which packs out real quick with more of a fancy, up market crowd, and Boson’s, which packs out with a younger crowd in East Auckland. These venues have no big name DJs, but are great watering holes in the eastern suburbs.

But if you are looking at hitting town then the places/events to visit are SNEAK OUT @ Bacio, Krd for Hip hop and Rnb. This night is hosted by Deach from Smashproof. They have some great tunes and the chances of you rubbing shoulders with one of the boys from Smashproof are quite high. The name of the gig says it all: It’s very quiet till 12am but then there is a mad rush like as if people have snuck out after 12am. Its true!

SOUND ALLIANCE is another decent gig to check out at Code with Djs JoeB, CorreyK plus guest etc trashing out some intense fridget, dub step and even Drum and Bass.

Fridays and Saturday top five bars to visit for me are SPY BAR & PASHA LOUNGE (VIADUCT), FLIGHT LOUNGE (FORT LANE), LONG ROOM & PONSONBY SOCIAL CLUB( PONSONBY ). Most of these bars will only allow you in if you are well dressed with a good attitude and they definitely need an equal ratio of boys to girls to enter.

These bars are more for the mature up market clients, but the viaduct always caters to everyone with PROVEDOR which plays a bit of everything, WILDFIRE that plays some great Salsa, DANNY DOOLANS with some brilliant cover bands and always popular right through the week especially with the tourist and then you have WATER FRONT BAR that is purely hip hop and r’nb.

The Bottom line?  Viaduct caters to everyone’s taste no matter what your age!   So that’s a bit on a very long weekend out for now!

Look forward for info on some big gigs coming up in the next issue such as Ministry of Sounds ‘Clubbers Guide’ and The Highlife Deluxe – Pool Party.

Cheers

Sikander ’AlexQ’ Gore

————————————————————

ALEXQ’s – DID YOU KNOW

Why put a lime is a Corona?

Corona comes from Mexico which is a very hot place. They have a large number of flies and to avoid the files from getting into their beers they introduced the lime wedge into the bottle to keep the flies away!  Thus the lime in my Corona!

————————————————————

But first, a little background information on who I am.  I’m a 27 year old Bachelor of Communication student majoring in Media Studies, with a minor in Journalism.  I’ve recently transferred from Unitec in Mt. Albert to what I think is the Megan Fox of university campuses, Massey University Albany.  It really is a fantastic place to study, with the Italian-style architecture and the laid-back lifestyle and culture.   As I write this, I hope that my time here will be a memorable one, unlike the trauma induced by some of the other toilets the New Zealand tertiary education system has to offer, none of which I shall name.  As well as enjoying my analysis of each record, both favorably and unfavorably, I also hope that you, the reader, will gain some deeper insight into the album reviews featured in this column.

Now, to start this column off on a memorable note, it would be my pleasure as a music freak and former full-time metalhead to introduce an album of such legendary status it is regarded as the greatest heavy metal album of all time by rock critics; bogans; record store owners; me and possibly your mum.  It has sold roughly 5.6 million copies worldwide, a phenomenal feat given its once underground status.  Unsurprisingly, it also makes for great-looking t-shirts.  The album in question – Metallica’s Master of Puppets from 1986.    A consistently brilliant album from start to finish, “Puppets” is regarded as Metallica’s magnum opus for very good reasons.  It takes the ballads that sing of the dangers of drug abuse, out-of-control anger, the reality of war, injustice and deception and turns them into songs that, rather than making the listener angry, remind them they are alive, that life is always on edge, and that to lose control is to lose everything.  Poetic in its lyrical makeup, and bookmarked by two very fast, very powerful tracks (Battery, and Damage, Inc.), “Puppets” maintains a relatively balanced level of thematic and musical consistency throughout the track-listing, as well as a sense of continuation from its predecessor, Ride The Lightning.  And like “Lightning”, it includes an instrumental track, Orion, which everybody from your dear sweet incontinent nanna to the Queen should listen to, because it is genius.  Eye-wateringly brilliant, in fact.  It is the late bassist Cliff Burton’s finest work, and considering he died shortly after this album was released, it is a fitting tribute to an underrated and talented musician who never quite got the credit he deserved.  So, if you like metal, you should already own this album.  If you don’t own it, go out and get it, now.  That’s an order.

So how many times has it happened that you’re having a talk to a chick in the bar, you wanna kiss her (well, to start off with anyway…), but you just don’t know what to do? We’ve all been there. Here are some pointers you can use, but I have to warn you that Individual results may vary… 

1. Ask her for a dance. Choose the music wisely, with  something you can dance to right up close to her.  Hip Hop music is a good choice; techno, not so much.  Naturally, after a dance and a lot of touching, she’ll be a lot more comfortable. After a while, if she seems to be into you (trust me you’ll know), just go for it. Don’t go slow, it makes it awkward. Just do it! Man up!
2. If you’re having a conversation, use the excuse: “It’s too loud I can’t hear you     clearly”, and move right up close to her… and I mean right up. Basically, you’re aiming for your mouth in her ear. Yes, it’s fine, stop twitching! At some point (yes, it might mean having to be patient) there will be an awkward silence since you ran out of shit to say. That is when you lean in for the kiss, but this time you go slow.  Don’t ask questions, just do it!
3. Every now and then you might be too drunk to give a shit about getting slapped or rejected.  Try this one at your own expense: I call it the “Sniper Attack”. Stand at one end of the bar and look at the other side. Locate a girl that you wanna kiss  (make sure she’s not with a massive body builder boyfriend for your sake) and walk towards her. Tap her on the shoulder as if to get her attention and the just go for it. She’ll either go with it (trust me, I’ve seen it happen) or she’ll slap the shit out of you. I’ll leave it for you to decide if it’s worth it or not…
    

Well, there are three ways that you can approach your target for the night in order to hook up with them, but what’s the point of you’re a shit kisser? And yes it does make a difference. The more she enjoys the kiss, the higher your chances are of getting laid… Make sense? 

So here’s the deal: I’m not going to get into the whole romantic shit.  Dick Hardy doesn’t believe in romance. Here’s a few pointers to excite her during your hook up: 

•  Don’t slobber everywhere! Yes, some tongue is good, but don’t have it everywhere! 
• Hands are important:  to start off one hand must be softly on her cheek, while the other’s on her waist. The hand on the cheek is called the “Wild card,” this is the hand you move around her body depending on how into it she gets. Don’t be a fuckwit and go straight for the sausage wallet, if she not at that point yet, you’ve ruined all chances of you getting laid tonight… 
• For heaven’s sake don’t say anything stupid while you’re hooking up! Better yet, don’t utter a word! What’s there to say? You’re already hooking up… She’s impressed… Don’t be a fuckwit!
   

So that’s my 2 cents for this issue. I decided to keep it short and somewhat “PG” rated this issue simply because O week’s taken a toll on me… Bless them first years  ;-)