THE FERGIAN MANIFESTO (or ‘Why I’m starting a coup and wielding supreme power over the ASA’)
An official declaration of war by Stephan “Frank” Van Heerden
I, Stephan van Heerden, hereby challenge you, Rawa Karetai, for leadership of the ASA and, ultimately, supreme domination of the Massey Albany Campus.
Frankly, I am disappointed with you and your so called ‘executive’s’ actions these last few months and have come to the conclusion that change is in order. I am hereby staging a coup. My headquarters will be the Ferg. Needless to say, your presence there is greatly discouraged from now on. Treading on these holy grounds will incur a death by spike, or hungry squirrel.
Now, you must be asking: “Who ARE you?”, “where did you come from?” and “where are you going to find a squirrel?”
Well, granted that we have never met personally, I have answers to these questions. I am Stephan. I came from my house. I will find a squirrel….somewhere…. I am also the guy who was very stylishly wearing a white shirt with blue stripes on Saturday 9th May at the Ferg. If you recall, you were also wearing the same shirt. This was a clear sign to me that I will one day be president of the ASA as only like minded individuals wear the same shirt. But this also drew me to another conclusion: we are like minded and well, frankly, there just ain’t enough room on this campus for the 2 of us. You greatly insulted me with your wearing of the shirt and with no cufflinks, I might add. I was wearing it with the nice blue cufflinks that came with it, accompanied by a wonderful evening jacket. I was the epitome of style that night… until you came along. This means war. For too long you have wasted paper with your long and drawn out Presidential columns in Satellite. THINK OF THE TREES, DAMNIT!!! Your flagrant disregard of trees, style and humour is insulting to me.
Now, for easier transition and less broken bones on your part, I command this: relinquish all power over the ASA to me and publicly instil me as Overlord Supreme of the Albany campus. The other members of the ASA can stay. I have no beef with them. You must leave….
Now you may be asking yourself, why all this anger from a stranger? Well, it doesn’t matter why. I am just disgruntled, and I am dealing with this political injustice in the best way I know how: Bloody and violent insurrection. It worked for the Russians, the French, and even the Fijians can do it, so why not me? Due to the lack of decent weaponry here in Albany, and my dislike of blood, I have decided to arm myself and my troops with sticks, rubber bands with the little paper bullet things, and handles of Speights Old Dark. I know, a frightening proposition, but in desperate times, desperate measures are called for. You and I both want this to go smoothly, and I’m pretty sure there is someone out there who does not want to see you get hurt….
My suggestion? Leave quietly. Clear out your desk and get your manstink thoroughly out of my new office. Publicly announce your resignation and pronounce me your new and unopposed successor for life. I will then take over and change the charter to my wishes.
Don’t take this coup as a personal attack. It’s merely the natural course of politics. Incompetence and undesirable fashion sense will be met with rapid and violent revolution. Use this as a learning tool. Don’t waste paper, and don’t wear the same fucking shirt as me.
Yours sincerely,
New President of the ASA and Commander of the Honourable Albany Campus Liberation Movement